Updated: Oct 23, 2019
"Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Forest Gump, Forest Gump (1994)
Discussing life and exhaustion with my husband the other night (okay so sobbing and throwing an adult tantrum is more like it) this quote jumped into my head.
Recently I've felt like life is handing me a box of chocolates that are secretly little nuggets of lard and that the naive unsuspecting me is chowing down and realising that something tastes a little hinky. I've lived through this before. I've had little lard nuggets appear before me wrapped in chocolate clothing, you'd think I know when things don't taste right.
Each and every time, I've thrown my hands up in the air, defeated, exhausted, frustrated. Done. I've not surrendered to the lesson; I've ignored it. I've raged and thrashed and sworn. I've issued curses and promises. Threats, even. I've bargained and negotiated all to seemingly no avail.
Then I've cried. And felt the fool. Hung my head in my hands and wondered how on earth do I fix this? Followed by wallowing and self pity as what's the point?!
It's about this time that life comes in with a kick up the behind, usually forcefully and never subtly. It's been a while since I've experienced this but the familiar feeling is back.
2017 you're a challenging year, aren't you? A global 1 Year in numerology we should be rocking and rolling along with plans in our heads and hope in our hearts. Why, then, am I fighting you? This is a personal 3 year for me and is one based in finding my needs and fulfilment. It is also one in which I need to stop procrastinating and start creating (if you listen carefully you can hear me with the "but, but, buts").
See, here's the thing, though. While I know all of this I, currently, am lacking the motivation to actually "do" it. I'm scared to dip into the box of chocolates in case I get another chocolard. I'm standing on a precipice harnessed in, healmet on, waiting. On one side of me I have the instructor, whose name is Life, the other I have my good friend, Fear. Fear is trying every trick to get me to stay safely on the platform. Life, on the other hand, is trying to gently coax me off for an adventure.
I've got a feeling that Life will give me a big shove soon. And I'm not going to like it. Yet somehow it will be welcomed. Sometimes a damn good shock is what we need. Especially to take the leap.
Was Forest's Mama right? Who knows. Maybe life isn't all chocolates and sweetness, it is unpredictable though and while that sometimes shakes me to my very core it is necessary to get me moving.
Tonight I've cried, I've declared that if there was a big red button marked STOP that meant I could get off this merry-go-round for a rest, I'd push that mother until it broke. I've sobbed "I want to go home" into my husband's shoulder as I've told him how desperately tired and fed up with this little excursion I am. I've done this life dance many many times before and coming back this time around was not entirely by choice and right now I find myself resenting this lastest tenure.
It has also given me cause to get moving, through the darkness light appears. It gives me perspective that the things I resist are in my best interest. They break me down to rebuild a better, stronger, more capable Me. And this Me is the change that I asked for, that I sought and agreed to do.
This isn't easy work. If it is, you're not doing it right. In this moment I don't see the rewards I just have to trust that they're in there, waiting for me to notice them, to find them.
They'll come. They have to, right? At least that's what I believe, else I go mad...