• Kate

Not playing small

Updated: Oct 23, 2019

Last week I was laying down while speaking with Oscar, and he asked me out of the blue and completely off topic, "why do you remain small?"

I laid there, pondering his question and answered, "I don't know. To stay safe, probably. So that I don't pose a threat and upset the status quo and get myself into trouble."

"What would happen if you decided not to be small anymore?"

I thought about this for a while, he waited patiently, as he always does. "I guess I wouldn't be able to hide anymore, that people would see me and everything that I can do and I couldn't pretend that I'm nobody."

"Is being small bringing you what you want?"


"Then why be small?"

He has a way of asking me these seemingly innocuous questions that start out as just a slight pull in the weave and before you know it, everything is unravelling, but always in a good way.

Over the weekend I was researching the astrological influences at play and that will be added to the mix for the upcoming New Moon. There are currently 2 significant planets that have moved into retrograde, Pluto and Saturn. I also learned about a significant astrological event due to peak in 2020. I read about Pluto's retrograde and went, yep fair enough. I understand that. All good.

Then I read Saturn's upcoming jaunt and went, ohhh.

I turned to Oscar who I knew was paying attention, even though he looked like he was tuned out, and yelled, "bastard!" - don't worry, he's used to it.

He smiled and chuckled knowingly.

Today I started watching Brene Brown's Call to Courage special on Netflix, for those who don't know Brene Brown is a well respected author, and shame researcher of 20 years. She studies vulnerability and delivered a TEDTalk on The Power of Vulnerability in 2010. Her book, Daring Greatly, examines courage and vulnerability in depth and how they can, and do, influence our lives.

In the book and the special, she talks about stepping into the arena and how it's easy for people outside of the arena to pass judgement and criticism, shaking their heads, offering their opinions and tut tutting from the sidelines. She makes a point of stating that when you step into the arena you will know failure but you will know it while daring greatly. She also pointed out that being brave is about stepping into our own power, taking responsibility for our lives, and being in the arena; blood, sweat, tears, mud, failure, and success, all of it. Being: All in.

Saturn is the planetary ruler of responsibility and personal power. He goes retrograde on April 29 until September 18. We will be faced with lessons in taking responsibility and wielding our personal power while being asked, where are we blaming, judging, and playing small.

He chuckled knowingly because he knew I had figured it out. He knew that by asking that one simple question he had pointed me on the path to unravel the pull in the weave. Would I have pieced it together without the nudge? Probably not. I would have read it and gone, that's nice. I would have lived the lessons and made use of them but would I be going as deep, or even prepared to go as deep as I know I will? Probably not.

It's easy to shy away from the questions that seem tough or they are asking us to examine a part of ourselves that feels uncomfortable. Truth is, discomfort is growth. And I'm not here to play small.

Last year I was in the arena, I stood there and took a battering. I won't lie, it was tough and it broke me for a little while. Since then I've stepped out, afraid to show myself for fear of the hurt I endured, but like Oscar reminds me, this isn't bringing me what I want. I am here to be of service and I can't do that unless I stand in there, vulnerable, bloodied, sweating, crying, elated, and brave.

With the Pluto retrograde we have the opportunity to reflect on who we are and who we are becoming. Without this self-reflection we lack conscious choice and decision making. We say yes when we should say no. Aligning our choices with what we wish to become is the ultimate step in reclaiming personal power and sovereignty.

You may wish to journal these prompts:

  • Who am I?

  • Who do I wish to be?

  • The person I am becoming is...

  • What would I change about my current course and choices?

The Saturn Retrograde is where we are asked to take responsibility, stop blaming, judging, and victimising both ourselves and others. We are also asked where we are playing small.

  • Some prompts to help explore these themes include:

  • Where am I blaming others or events for my circumstances?

  • Where do I lack responsibility in my life?

  • How am I playing small?

  • Where would I like to be more courageous and how will I do this?

  • How am I victimised and where am I victimising others?

  • Where am I being judgemental, both of myself, and others?

Am I ready to be vulnerable and brave? Probably not but I don't think anyone ever really is. Where does this leave me? Who knows, certainly not me; probably Oscar, he seems to know everything; what I do know for sure is that I am not achieving what I desire and expressing who I really am and what I can really do unless I get in there and stop playing small, once and for all.

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