Updated: Oct 23, 2019
Today I threw a tantrum.
I am almost 40 and yes, people, I am neither above throwing a tantrum nor am I above admitting it. It was over something as superficial as marketing and it came down to recognising that I am riddled with self doubt and that comes out in the belief that I am a "behind the scenes" person and not a frontwoman.
It's not like I've not been before. I have a teaching background so having all eyes focused on what it is I'm doing and saying is not new to me. Much of teaching is engaging and reading your audience, putting on a show if you will. Working out when you are losing them and when to pull it back and change topics. I've also done the marketing stuff before and it's very much the same - give then enough but not too much.
This is different though because this is ME. All of me. No hiding, no distraction, no changing the focus when things get uncomfortable. This is vulnerability and as Brene Brown says, it's powerful. Being vulnerable in front of others is something foreign to me and I believe it is for a lot of women. We are the strong ones. We are the ones who hold shit together when shit gets tough. We don't crack until everyone is taken care of and then we do it in private only for as long as necessary then we straighten our skirts and go about our business. Recently I've had to face this little gremlin who goes by the name Self Doubt and I don't like him. He's tough and he's hardy; he's bloody hard to shift! He likes to get under your skin and grab hold, refusing to let go until you've thrown yourself on the floor, thrashed about a bit and are completely spent. So, as things would have it I threw a tantrum because "I don't want to be a frontwoman!" Which was really, "I'm afraid to be seen and what if people doubt me?!" Thankfully friends with great listening and reasoning skills came to my aid and they talked me down off the metaphoric ledge. Soothed my tantrumming inner (and no so inner) child. It came down to the fact that I don't want to do things the way that everyone else does but I'm scared to try it a new way in case I get it wrong. It was at this point that I literally threw my hands in air and declared that I was going for a walk. After dragging my woe-begotten self into a local conservation park I almost tripped and fell; Mother Goddess with a not so gentle reminder that I needed to stay present and empty my mind as I wandered to allow the calmness and answers I sought would be found.
In the end I listened and I felt, then I found a beautiful patch of grass with a chorus of birds loud and beautiful in their song.
There is something peaceful about laying on the grass, gazing up at the sky listening to the birds as they sing unrestrained and without expectation of praise.
Why do birds sing? Because they can? No. Because they know they must. They don't doubt whether they should or shouldn't. They don't question if they are pitch perfect or out of tune, they know they can and must so they do. They attract others to them merely with their message, their tune, they way of being. Never do they question how or why or even when is the best time. They trust in the nature of things and DO.
Laying there I realised that we as humans, flaws and all, think too much! We analyse, we criticise, we plan, amend, adjust, and rethink rather than TRUST. I was caught in that cycle. I was trying to manage and rule rather than flow and trust. I was getting in my own way which was feeding the self doubt I was experiencing! Holy wow! Revelation! (Maybe not to some but when you are caught in a spiral of obsessive thoughts it can be tough to find your way out). As I lay there I listened, really listened. To the birds, to the wind, to my heartbeat and I remembered how to breathe. Today has reminded me that no matter how frustrating or complex things look we owe it to ourselves to take a moment, change our scenery to change our perspective. There is nothing better to me than laying on the earth being held and marvelling at the world around me. It is always my grounding rod. My clarity. My saviour. For those who don't know me let me introduce myself, in the spirit of being seen: My name is Kate and I am an Elemental Priestess. I hold circle for women at New Moon and I hold sacred ceremony and rites of passage for women as they move through their lives and phases. I work with Goddesses, Clan Mothers, Guardians and Guides to midwife people through what ails them. I ebb and I flow and I trust and I believe in the power of the moon, thought and manifesting. I try and tread lightly wherever I go and I move through life humbly and in awe of those around me and of the world we reside. You will often find me hunkered down with books, books, and more books, resources, information, and tidbits galore or trudging around in a pair of utility trousers or jeans, t-shirt, and combat boots. I am a walking conundrum and I'm okay with that. In fact, it's what makes life interesting. I don't and won't do things the way that everyone else does and today I realised that while that makes things a little trickier it makes it a whole heap more fun. I'd love to know who you are and what tantrum you threw lately - we are all inately human and no one, no matter how old, rich, successful, or seemingly perfect is above a good meltdown. Much love and blessings Kate