• Kate

Today, I cried

Updated: Oct 23, 2019

Note: I don't know where this post is going to go. I am currently shedding generations of locked emotions so this could get ranty or it could get dark. Either way you will probably read some things you didn't know as this is all of me, with no filter. Today I cried as I left my dog at the vet. I cried for the stitches he is having again, for the exhaustion I feel, for the lack of freedom, for the Amazon, for the world, for the children from whom we borrow this world, the phone call my husband didn't answer, for a heart dog at the end of her earth journey, for my closest friends, for my womb and the emotions she carries from generations past. I cried for the women past and present, I cried for everything. I cried for my returning period, and I cried for the last time I bled at my grandmother's funeral. I cried for the child I lost, I cried for the energetic child I birthed, I cried for it all and even now, 2 hours on, I am still teary and can feel the emotions welling up. I've cried for what I've lost, what I didn't know, what I do, and what I want. What I have come to accept and believe is that we do not cry enough. Women are instinsically connected with earth and the moon. As Lara Owen writes in her book, Her Blood is Gold, women are the link between heaven and earth. I have learned that when we don't cry we avoid or cage our emotions. We push them aside, we don't honour ourselves and our connection to the planet. I've concluded that not crying is a denial of the feminine within us all. I'm reading Lara's book at the moment and it has made me realise that this is why the Amazon burns. This morning in the shower I asked the Archangels, Mother Goddess and Mother Gaia to stop the fires in the Amazon. The answer I got was that until the women rally the fires will burn. So consider this a call to arms, women. Did you know that the Amazon sits in the bowl of the Earth's sacral chakra? There are plotted chakra points for this planet, just like us, Peru | Bolivia is the sacral basin, the Amazon is the thriving balanced ecosystem, that provides lifegiving oxygen, the wellspring of fruitfulness and life. My feeling is it burns because the feminine has been denied, push aside, dismissed and disregarded, Mother Gaia says, enough. My intuition tells me this is why the media does not cover it, there is no money to be made in saving the planet. It is not a "masculine" effort to save the environment. The environment is something to be tamed, traded, raped, and ravaged. I can feel my emotions rise as I think, so too has the feminine. I am not a man hater, I am not a feminist, both are labels and both are dangerous. I don't know what I am other than a temporary inhabitant of an earthly life.

I don't have ownership here, I have a granted residency. And I feel like so many of us would do well to remember that. I sat here today,

on a grassy hill overlooking a valley, beautiful, green, lush and soothing. I laid on the grass looking up at the blue sky, listening to the birds, watching the branches sway in the delicate breeze. The warmth of the sun. It was peaceful and serene.

Only to get here I had to hop a fence, avoid the broken glass that was tossed from the roadside, step over the dozen 1 litre plastic bottles of god-knows-what that was dumped, past an old portable stove, and down the gully from the trashed 2 seater green couch that was abandoned, clearly thrown from the top of the hill. As I made my way I spat, "this is the shit we do to a gorgeous planet. No wonder she is trying to purge herself of the parasite that is humankind. No wonder she retaliates with fire and rage. I would too if I was a woman mistreated and walked over with such poor regard." I'm lucky to be a white woman, I have not known the plight and hardship of indigenous females or someone's whose skin tone is different to mine. I'm fortunate not to have been in a domestic violence relationship. I have experienced emotional child abuse, post traumatic stress syndrome, chronic illness, and women's health issues and the, I hate saying it, "usual" sexual harassment and discrimination. I've been on the receiving end of it personally and professionally. I feel the anger of our earth mother deeply and I understand why drought has struck the Amazon and fires rage. She is angry and is taking back her power. Fuck them, she screams. And what of the women rallying? What can we do? Take back our power. We hear rise, sister, rise but are we? I want to set things on fire, I want to rip out throats and tear off testicles. I want to force these bullshittians who call themselves "leaders" to fess up to the fact that they really don't give a shit (ideally while I dunk them in rivers, place them in boiling oil, or burn them alive at the stake - Karma is a bitch and this witch is She). None of the current bullshittians are leaders. A leader is someone not afraid to lead the way, who makes the tough calls for the greater good. Who risks being unpopular with their political peers to do the decent and honourable thing. The Jacinta Ardern's of the world are leaders - oh look, a woman! You can take your Trumpian fuckwits and burn then like the ancient mummies pillaged from sacred tombs to stoke the fires of industry. That's all they're good for; defeated at the hands of the retched god they serve. I have this deep sense of worship for our world, deeper than I have ever felt. I want to nourish her, I want to give all of myself to her in the hope that we aren't too late and can turn this around. We need a new clock, the doomsday we face is no longer the threat of nuclear war - it never really has been - the new clock needs to reflect that the one minute to the hour is because of us. People. I've been reading about sacred women's traditions around blood and menstruation, and how we would bleed directly onto the earth and this stirs a desperate need in me to do the same. I feel like if I do this, if all women do this, we can and will turn this shitstate around. We need, now more than ever, to return to the old ways with a new twist. We don't have a choice anymore. The ship is sinking. Our mother is crying out, she has been for a while and fuck we have not been listening. I am seeing this play out in my personal life too. People and things around me, and even in myself, are creeping, or more likely, steaming, ahead to a catalytic turning point. I've said it before, we have 4 months until 2020 and the kick off for the Age of Aquarius. We have been in a holding pattern, we have been transitioning and proving our capabilities to those that watch on from the higher realms. It's make or break and this isn't going to be easy work but it is necessary. I cried today not only in lament and hurt but in release. I want to put my cheek to the earth and beg her for forgiveness and promise to make amends. I want to grab people by the shoulder and shake until they wake up. I want to yell and scream "ENOUGH". I don't know what I want to do but I need to do something. The ultimate truth is I'm scared. I'm frightened of what will happen if we don't turn it around, if we are too late. If we don't listen. I don't want to live in a world that is toxic. I don't want to exist in a world with no trees and I sure as hell do not want to pass that type of world to my son and the children of my sisters and brothers. I don't want to let the greed and wordly murderous tendencies of the few destroy everything for the many but what's do we do because truly, I don't know.

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