• Kate

Why is kindness so damn hard to find?

Updated: Oct 23, 2019

I woke up just before 6am with a feeling of dread and panic. A very unpleasant dream startled me awake, unsettling me and washing me with a sense of dread. This seems to have set the tone for today and try as I might, the Universe is determined for me to get the lesson of kindness.

Ultimately the dream I had is my subconscious wrestling with the nice girl versus the kind woman concept.

Further to this I made a phone call and, true to form, there was cajoling, belittling, shaming, and taunting - all wrapped in humour and "good fun". Only it wasn't and it never is. I diverted, I ignored, I rose above and it kept coming, along with the promise of more "winding up" but all in jest.

I'm 40 years old and so very worn; I feel like I'm well past my age. My soul is older than most and has always felt that way, and I just want simplicity and kindness. I don't want to spar. I don't want to be one of the gladiator in the Colosseum, circling each other with spear and shield, waiting for the first strike to occur or the first opportunity to make a critical hit. In the immortal words of Danny Glover aka Sgt. Murtagh...

I'm too old for this shit.

It got me thinking - why are some people so mean? There is so much anger, pain, hatred, taunting, belittling, shaming, and all the things in this world and it's so damn complicated! When did it get complicated? How do some of us let it get like this and why do some choose to make others feel like utter shit? The answer, my friends, is simple: Wounding.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't new to me. I know that people who have open, more gaping, wounds will hurt - they say only hurt people hurt - but why is that so much easier than being kind?

I can give you all the excuses in the world. I could say because they have built up emotions that they don't know how to handle so they project to make themselves feel better. And it wouldn't be wrong. I could say because they are hurting. And it wouldn't be wrong. I could say it's how they were taught appropriate interaction. Again, not wrong. I could say because it's easy and they don't have to be accountable. Again, winner. Freud would say it's to do with their mother and or father. Probably right. Jung would say it's the shadow of their overactive archetype - bingo. I could say it relates to their lack of safety and feeling safe. I'm sure their root chakra would agree. I could tell you that their self-esteem and self worth is low causing them to lash out. Quite accurate, really. All of these are reasons for their actions - it does not make it right.

Sometimes people are [insert your chosen profanity.]

Sometimes people choose to be horrid human beings with the deliberate intent to hurt another. Truthfully I don't care what their excuse is; I want nothing to do with them.

How you treat someone on your worst days is a testament to the type of person you are. Everyone having a low vibrational feeling (I refuse to call them "bad") can choose how they will act in every given moment. You can choose, do you treat people with respect, dignity, and kindness or do you fall into belittling, shaming, and demeaning?

I'm not expecting people to be saints because that's impossible. We are human and are fallible - it's part of the deal. But you can be responsible for your own feelings and for their expression. Sometimes we get it wrong: Granted. I'm referring to the people that are consistently emotionally irresponsible and projecting, treating people as victims to their acid and viper's tongue. I'm talking about the ones that plan how to be nasty, merely because they can. That shit needs to stop. And we need to make it stop with boundaries, self care, and telling them to fuck off.

When did choosing kindness become so lacking? When did kindness even become so remote that I'm reduced to writing about it, that some of us need reminding?

When did we become so hurt by and disconnected from each other that it was easier to be nasty?

As for the nice girl versus the kind woman - the nice girl keeps people happy and puts her feelings and needs last, she puts up with the taunting, the belittling, and smiles through it all even though it burns inside. She makes sure that nothing is offside except her own self worth and self esteem. The kind woman tolerates nothing of the sort. She stands tall and says "enough". She takes the bullies by the balls (metaphoric rather than literal - sexual harassment and all), and hold them to account for their viciousness and behaviour. My dream was my inner Persephone arguing with my inner Demeter. Currently, Demeter is winning but Persephone is putting up a fight.

I don't want to be nice and I don't want people around me to be nice but I do want to be kind and treated with kindness in turn. Is that too much to ask?

So what of the wounded, the bastards, and assholes who think kindness is too hard? If enough of us stop accepting their behaviour and start demanding respect and honourable treatment, maybe, just maybe, kindness won't be so damn hard to find.

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